Four Lessons from Four Years of Marriage

Four Lessons from Four Years of Marriage

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Jared The Galleria Of Jewelry. The opinions and text are all mine.

If you know me, I’ll use any excuse to talk about marriage and relationships.  Perfect example: Girl Talk Tuesday Love Series.  I love being able to pour into other’s lives, especially about things I’m passionate about…  And I’m passionate about marriage.

In honor of celebrating four years of wedded bliss with Matt this week, I thought why not share four lessons I’ve personally learned in those four years of marriage.  I partnered with Jared The Galleria Of Jewelry to bring you this post today.

4 Lessons from 4 Years of Marriage angela lanter hello gorgeous

4 Lessons from 4 Years of Marriage angela lanter hello gorgeous

4 Lessons from 4 Years of Marriage angela lanter hello gorgeous

4 Lessons from 4 Years of Marriage angela lanter hello gorgeous

4 Lessons from 4 Years of Marriage angela lanter hello gorgeous

Let’s take a look at each lesson I learned in each year of marriage.  That way if you’re a newlywed, maybe you can relate based on where you’re at in your marriage.

Four Lessons from Four Years of Marriage

  1. Leave and Cleave.  If you were raised in a Christian home, then you are well familiar with this verse.  If not, then let me explain.  This reference comes from the Old Testament, Genesis 2:24 to be exact, and the verse directs a man to leave his father and his mother and cleave to his wife.  This verse isn’t just meant for men, it goes both ways.  At first read, you think, of course I’m leaving my parents, I’m moving in with my husband, duh.  Or maybe you left your parent’s home many years ago.  This direction is not only saying to leave physically, but that you also need to leave emotionally.  I’m not saying that you can’t have an awesome relationship with your parents, but your relationship with your spouse has to trump every other relationship in your life in order to be successful.  You can’t call home and complain to mom about every little thing your husband does.  You can’t run home to mom & dad every fight you have and expect your husband to be okay with that.  Once you commit to marriage, you chose to stick it out and work it out.  Your parents (friends and other family members count here too) can’t easily forget every time your husband hurts you, they can sometimes hold on and begin to resent him.  Because you love him, you’ll forgive him and move on, then your parents begin to have bad feelings towards him.  If you would keep your fights between you two, when you work them out, no one will be left angry.  You can make up and move on with your lives.  But if you bring your parents into every fight, there’s a good chance problems will start after they feel their little girl was hurt one too many times.
  2. Learn each other’s love language.  I’ve talked before about the five love languages and how much I believe in them.  You can easily take a short quiz online to find out your or your significant other’s love language is.  One of my primary love languages is gifts.  I love giving and receiving gifts and Matt knows that about me.  The gorgeous necklace featured is from Jared The Galleria Of Jewelry.  This beautiful cross necklace is so special because of the faith that Matt and I share.  This necklace is a sideways cross design made of diamonds and 10K white gold.  I really enjoy dainty pieces for everyday wear and think this was the perfect gift idea for our wedding anniversary!  Click here to see more necklace options, there are hundreds of fine jewelry options to choose from at all different price points.  You’re sure to find the perfect piece to celebrate any occasion.
  3. Learn when to keep quiet.  This is one of those things I wish I knew before I had gotten married.  Many a fight would have been avoided if I could just have been smart enough to stay quiet.  In the heat of an argument, sometimes words are out of your mouth before you’ve had a chance to even think about them…  And once they’re out there, there’s no taking them back.  After a few years of marriage, I’ve learned to slow down my thoughts and my words when I’m angry.  To just stop and think a minute before I speak.  Sometimes, it’s just better to shut up than to keep throwing gas on the fire.  Walk away, take a breather and think about what it is that you’re really fighting about.  Once you both have cooled down, come together and discuss it like the rational adults you are instead of fighting like toddlers hurling around insults.  Getting down and rolling around in the mud never solves anything.  Instead, a calm conversation when you both have your wits about you will get you to a place of healing so you can move on.
  4. Put your spouse first.  Even over yourself.  I think most married couples understand that your spouse needs to come first, but so many struggle with putting their spouse before themselves.  Let me give you a practical example of what this would look like.  Putting your spouse first means doing something that they want even though that’s not at all what you want.  Maybe it’s something major like a move for a job (Heaven knows I’ve been there!) or maybe it’s something smaller like letting your spouse have the remote.  Each day is a new chance to serve your partner.  Hopefully, your spouse will in turn want to serve you…  But if he doesn’t, unfortunately that’s the thing about love; it’s selfless.  True love doesn’t keep a tally of how many things you do for someone, then expect they do that many things for you.  Instead, it’s dying to yourself daily and looking for ways to show your love in a real way to your husband.  Instead of feeling unappreciated or unloved, take a step back and look at the practical ways your husband shows you he loves you…  Maybe it’s by working hard to provide a paycheck for your family, maybe it’s taking care of the lawn or maybe it’s something as simple as always being sure you have gas in your car.  Don’t let the little things go unnoticed and make you resentful.  Instead, recognize the little things and understand that’s his way of taking care of you.

If you’re also married, please leave a comment below and share some of your wisdom with us.  So many of my gorgeous girls are unmarried and this is a chance to speak to their hearts about ways to work on their future relationships.

1300 867 Angela Lanter
  • Brittany Blackburn

    Wonderful post & advice, Angela! I’m not married, but I pray God blesses me with a husband one day. At 32, I could choose to look at it as victimizing, “What’s wrong with me?” “Why has God forgotten me?”, or I could choose to see God’s bigger plan. I choose that one. I really hope marriage is part of His plan, but if it’s not, I know I’ll be okay. I’m 90-95% there! (Most days! ?) “You can’t expect to fall intimately in love with a man until you fall intimately in love with Jesus first.” -the youth pastor at my church

  • Cleidebregion

    Angela, you write very well, congratulations, your advice is great, I’m married for 19 years and that’s exactly what you wrote, so today many couples do not get together, because they do not do that.
    So I made a profile in instagram dedicated to Matt his work and I really like you, because I see you as a famous couple different and not equal to most, you are special. God always bless your love.

    Cleide bregion

  • Love this post Angela! Happy Anniversary (again lol)! I loved seeing your wedding photo on social media!! Always wanted to know what kind of dress you wore, your hair, makeup, etc. You were/are stunning!

  • I’m not married but I love all these tips Angela! I can totally relate to just taking a breather. Most of the time when I’m mad at my bf, I regret it the next day. I find that I just overracted and there was no need to waste that kind of energy Kate || KATE KOUTURES

  • My hubby and I will be celebrating 12 years of marriage this year. My best piece of advice for an unmarried gorgeous girl is find your best friend to marry. Don’t settle because I’ve seen many of close friends settle and they just aren’t truly happy. Life is hard enough. You have to find someone that you can walk side by side with. My husband and I are truly best friends. We’ve been through good times and hard times. But we always find comfort in each other. We have 2 beautiful sons together. And let me tell ya, kids are such blessings but they can also bring added stress to a marriage. So find your best friend and enjoy the time you have together first before you bring babies into the mix. I cherish the time we spent together before God blessed us with our little boys!

  • Great post! And Happy Anniversary! Hope you have many, many more. Hubs and I have been married 18 years this year. (Yes, we married young). Most of the things in your post I’d agree with. I’d also say make the time to have fun together. There are so many things that get in the way of that. Kids, jobs, the unrelenting routine of life. Fun doesn’t always mean expensive trips or gifts or dinner. Fun is as simple as listening to the same crazy songs you listened to when it all started when you get in the car for a road trip or chasing each other through the house laughing after someone mispronounced the same word for he fourth time this morning. All the best.

  • Maxanne_w

    I’m not married, but my boyfriend and I have been living together and co-mingling our lives for 6 years now. I have been trying to find clarity on our relationship lately and this post has really helped me continue that thought processes. I know what I want in a husband and what I need out of a loving relationship and I’m not sure he can give me that. But I’m not giving up just yet! I am definitely interested in learning more about the love languages. I’ve heard about it for years but never looked into it. Thanks Angela! The timing of this post couldn’t have been more perfect. Happy Anniversry to you and Matt 🙂

  • Nikki4162

    My husband and I are going on eleven years. Thank God! We share quality time as both of our primary love languages so making time to be together is essential and when we don’t make that time, we can feel a gap opening. So I agree, Angela, find out what your spouse’s love language is and become fluent; know your own and kindly let your spouse know when you need some extra attention in that area. Never condemn or put down! Communicate and affirm. Apologize when you’ve missed the mark and quick to forgive when he falls short. Best marriage book I’ve read that I wish I would’ve read when I started dating….The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller. Brilliant insight! Angela, thanks for your authenticity and for adding beauty to the world. Congratulations to you and Matt!

    • My husband and I also read The Meaning of Marriage a couple years ago when we’d been married around 11 years. It was so insightful, and I also wish we’d read it when we were dating or engaged. Highly recommend it!

  • Dianna Hudson

    Love this and love you! Happy anniversary!

  • This is fabulous advice you are giving. Not only fabulous, but foundational, as these are all qualities you can build a solid marriage on. My husband and I are going on 14 years, and we’ve been together for almost 18, when he 19 and I was 20. Some advice I would add:
    1. Resist the urge to nag or mother him (becomes especially challenging once you are actually a mom). This has been a challenging lesson to learn because I am a planner and a thinker and a scheduler, and my husband is usually completely unaware of time’s passing and not usually thinking ahead to what needs to be done when. He admittedly doesn’t remember a lot of things he should, so I’ve had to learn how to remind him in a way that’s not nagging, or ask him “should I remind you about that, and if so, when?” This lets him know that I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that he will remember but also making a plan in case he doesn’t. And for the things that aren’t important, I’ve had to choose to let them go and trust that he will remember at some point.
    2. Never tear him down in front of others. This one is huge. I think everyone would agree that when you’re only speaking negative words about something or someone, it changes your perspective. If I’m constantly pointing out to others my husband’s faults, then I will start to see ONLY his faults and believe that there is nothing good about him. Conversely, if I build him up to others and brag on the good things he does, this builds him up more in my eyes! Bonus points if he happens to hear me!! I love that my husband fully trusts and believes that I don’t criticize him to others. That level of trust creates a strong bond within in a marriage.
    3. Once you have kids, let him be the fun dad or whatever kind of dad fits his personality. Don’t make him copy everything that you do with the kids. Celebrate your differences in the way you interact with your kids. But make sure you are on the same page with the big things like things you’ll allow your kids to do and your discipline/training methods.

    I’m so thankful for this post and for the message of strong message you’re both talking on and living out! Happy anniversary to you and Matt! I wish you all the best, and as I remember, I will continue to pray for God’s hand of protection and blessing on your marriage.

  • I love your advice. I have been crazy in love with my husband for 20 years. We have gotten each other through some really tough times. A couple of things have helped us. When arguing, stay and work it out, never run, it just makes things worse. Never ruin anything in the heat of the moment. When we make up, we’ll regret it. Never go to bed angry. We talk it out right away before it gets to the point where we end up getting into a huge fight over something that started out so small. Being open to new things, things that he likes made me see how many things I really do enjoy and was missing out on. Marriage is definitely not a walk in the park, well sometimes it is, but I am glad that we stuck it out because we have a wonderful son who just turned 12. I love my little family.

  • Jennifer

    Brilliant advice! I’ve been married to my husband for 6 years now and I can totally agree with you. Another thing I think is important to know is – accept your husband for who he is. Often two people marry and they complete each other – so they usually do not have the same strengths and weaknesses. Things that seem logical and easy to you might be completely unlogical and hard for your husband – so simply know he doesn’t do certain things to annoy you – his mind just doesn’t always prioritize the same things that yours does 😉

  • Marilynne

    Hi Angela
    First off you have STUNNING hair!!
    Some of my hair hacks:
    Coconut oil is a definite must! I even put some on my brows at night to help them grow.
    I stay in South Africa and have looked everywhere for Biotin – cant find anywhere but I drink folic acid and vitamin B12 every morning and it works for me 😉 Also eating lots of tomotoes – something in them are gr8 for my hair! I use the Organix hair care range (love the keratin oil and braxilian therapy) and its Amazeballs specially the oils and they smell divine!
    Love your blog!!

  • Amy Zimmerle

    Happy Anniversary and thank you so much for your advice! It helped me a lot, my hubby and I have been married one year and 4 months today. I must admit it has been quite difficult at times but God has mercifully helped us through. I agree with everything you wrote, mainly the dying to self daily and serving the other. I fall short of this and become selfish and fights start. Communication is vital, in every situation. I’m learning this more and more. Also not involving the family in times of distress is key aswell. I have 4 younger siblings I always want to be an example couple to, and working out our own problems is the answer.
    Having a servants heart is hard when not reciprocated but thats no reason to quit and give up, Jesus endured rejection, hurt, being unloved, and yet He never quit, He gave of himself till the day He died and gave everything for us, surely I can give more to my husband and in doing so, honor God.
    Thank you again for taking the time to share with us, you truly are an inspiration to me and so many others, God bless you and Matt! Love you! XOXO

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